Briony's World Of Buffy - Fanfic

Muffy the vampire killer
By Gen

Author’s note: Okay, Americans; I love you, I really do, after all you guys gave the world Buffy, Garfield cartoons, and the most sugar-based cereals in the world. I mean like the ones that their whole selling point is to change the colour of your milk! Now that, my friends, is THE height of food development and research.

Anyways, I digress... oh ya, I love you, but I just don’t. Like. Your. Beer.

So please don’t take it seriously! Okay, read on!

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon (aka God. Or “J-Wheedy” as I call him, hehehe) and Mutant Enemy own Buffy characters, I don’t. How fair is that... But I do own Pierre! Mwahahaha!

Part 1

“Dick Clark isn’t dead”

Prologue

We are in the year 2000, a year where the impossible seems to be happening; a new millennium dawning, Dick Clark still alive, and another George Bush elected to the most important office in the world. But the most surprising news of all; American beer companies have bought out ALL other beer makers worldwide! This is devastating news to all non-American beer lovers! In every country, from England to Genovia, the only beers to be found are Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Genuine Draft. These evil beer entrepreneurs have stopped at nothing to rid the world of all traces of international booze... or so they think...

A group of college students from the remote French Canadian town of LaTuque, in the province of Quebec, have stumbled upon a priceless treasure; the last non-American beer. This Labatt Bleu Dry is the only remnants of what used to be one of the most recognized Canadian beers. They must protect their finding with their lives, because it means there still is hope for the international beer industry to be reborn and free millions of people from this heinous fate that the neo-beer industry now reserves them.

But someone finds out about their prized possession and for a rather hefty price; around 50 000 000$ Canadian (that would be about 24,36$ American...), they squeal to the Americans. They send out their associate from LaTuque, Bory, to hunt them down and destroy the last bottle, therefore riding the world of non-American beer and causing an apocalypse.

Part 2

“The prime minister formerly known as a coat rack”

In LaTuque, the 3 French Canadian friends are assembled around the Labatt Bleu Dry to discuss what to do, for they know that Bory is coming after them... well, since she called them... she’s not the brightest...

Frenchie #1 (also known as Gaëtan)

-Eh, they have found out about us, eh. What are we going to do, eh?

(Ok, so they were actually talking in french, but this way I could incorporate the ‘ehs...)

Frenchie #2 (he was Pierre)

-Well, we can always try to forget about this eh, what say we have a drink to relax. Hmm, here’s a Labatt...

Frenchie #3 (Matthieu)

-Nooon! Tabar... think Pierre! We are trying to keep the last Labatt safe from the evil beer corporations! We must place the bottle somewhere safe, eh!

Pierre

-Eh, I forgot. It’s just so shiny! Okay, I have an idea, we can use the spell we so conveniently learned today in our college class of “Practical and well timed learned spells 101”.

Gaëtan

-You mean the one where we sell our souls in exchange for the Montreal Canadians winning more than 2 consecutive games?

Matthieu

-No, the one where we transform an item into a person and send it to someone who can protect it eh, all while creating memories of this person to everyone around, as if they’ve always existed. You know, like the spell used on a coat rack, who later on became prime minister...

Pierre

-Good! We have found a solution! To celebrate, let’s have a beer! Here’s one...

Matthieu, Gaëtan

-Pierre!

Part 3

“Gee, how surprising, a narrow escape”

The three of them form a circle around the beer, and start to chant what seems to be Latin... they have begun the spell. Soon, a white spotlight seems to hang directly over the beer...

Matthieu

-Pierre, what are you doing holding a flashlight over the Labatt bleu?

Pierre

-I dunno... Seemed like the thing to do, there always seems to be a spotlight over things when magic is involved. Just thought I’d contribute.

Gaëtan

-Pierre! Get back in the circle!

So they continue the spell. A blue glow seems to surround the beer, this time Pierre has nothing to do with it, aside from chanting Latin. The spell is working! The beer disappears in a huge flash of blue and green lights!

But as these things usually go, seconds after using their conveniently timed learned spell to make the bottle human and send it to someone who will protect it, Bory catches up with them.

Matthieu

-You are too late, you’ll never find it, eh!

Bory

-Well that’s not right. After all this tracking you guys down. Oh well, I still have use for you! You will regret this! Bwahaha!!

Pierre

-Eh, she is truly evil!

Gaëtan

-Why? Because she says we will regret it?

Pierre

-No, because she used the evil laugh, eh!

You see; Bory was not just a regular beer associate, she had magical powers! Ok, she just had one, well aside from the superstrength. She had the ability to turn anyone permanently drunk; “brain-drunk”! Not because she needed to make them drunk to sustain her sanity or anything, just because she thought it was fun! See how evil that makes her! Well, that and the evil laugh...

So back to our story, seeing that they are in danger, the trio flees! But Bory catches up with Pierre, just as he trips on his shoelaces, and most evilly in a flash of light, she “brain-drunks” him! Fortunately for Pierre, afterwards, nobody seemed to notice any difference.

Part 4

“Mystery meat and Inspector Gadget”

A few months later, school is starting everywhere in North America. Students are attending classes, or trying to, if they just can keep from hitting the snooze button 10 times! um... yeah, basically they’re back in school.

In a little Californian high school, located in the town of Overcastdale, a young teenager is having a rather shocking conversation with friends in the school halls. I mean really, really shocking! Man, what a conversation! But that has nothing to do with this story, so we’re gonna cut to another young teenager in another high school of Overcastdale. This particular teen is having lunch with friends at the cafeteria.

Teenager red shirt

-Hey Dusk, what do you think this mystery meat is?

Teenager blue shirt (her name is Dusk)

-I dunno, you’d have to be a real Harriet the Spy to figure that out!

(Oh come on, can you blame me?)

Teenager green shirt

-Or Penny from Inspector Gadget!

(Okay, I’ll stop now.)

Red shirt (Janet)

-Hey Dusk, why don’t you entertain us. Tell us, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, the story about your family and their friends. I’d like to hear about them. Like if I didn’t know anything about them, and you would want to, you know, recap the story!

Green Shirt (Jason)

-Yeah, summarize, for again, no specific reason whatsoever.

Dusk

-Uh... Okay. Well first, there’s my sister Muffy, she’s the killer, the one girl chosen to kick evil’s ass. And she’s got her little gang of friends. There’s her 2 best friends, first there’s Jeff, the sensitive yet wisecracking ex-mullet carpenter. Well he’s engaged to his girlfriend Offya, this tactless ex-demon who works at a magic store called “The Magic Tupperware”. Then there’s Maple, the wicca, she goes to college with her girlfriend Esuoma, and they live with their pet Mr Gerbil Extraordinaire. There’s also Lynch, he owns the magic store and he’s Muffy’s watcher, he works with her to defeat evil. And he gets knocked unconscious. A lot. That’s about the basics. Oh ya, and there’s Spear.

Janet

-Who?

Dusk

-Well, he used to be a really bad vampire, but awhile ago, this secret government army thingy kidnapped him and implanted a chip in his head. If he tries to hurt a human the chip sets off unspeakable horror for him, so now he won’t dare hurt a human anymore.

Jason

-What does the chip do when he tries to hurt us?

Dusk

-It plays N’Sync music.

Jason

-Whoa. That’s cruel.

Part 5

“Oh, those wacky Dateline specials!”

Meanwhile, across town from the high school, in an old worn-down warehouse, a young man is tied to a chair with ducktape, in a big shadowy room. Let’s call him Ray. Now Ray has a bloodied face and is struggling to get out of the chair.

Ray

-Crap, I knew I should’ve watched that special on Dateline, “how to escape when you’re tied to a chair with ducktape in a big shadowy room.”

Of course out of a dark corner of the room comes out none other than Bory.

Bory

-Bet you didn’t expect me to come out of those shadows! Bwahaha!

Ray

-Well yeah. You just told me to watch your big entrance, and then you ran snickering to yourself into that shadowy corner. That was like 2 minutes ago!

Bory

-Silence! You are here, because I need to know where the bottle is! I must find it to destroy it! Tell me! You must know where it is, since you are French-Canadian!

Ray

-I don’t know what you’re talking about! Listen you psycho, I have rights! I am a Canadian citizen...

Unfortunately for Ray, Bory got fed up and just snapped his neck.... not even brain-drunking him. Ray is no more. He will be now known as X-Ray...

Part 6

“She loves those pants...”

In the halls of the Overcastdale University of California, a young woman is walking in a rather proud manner. She is short, blonde, and has a pair of red leather pants on. She is Muffy. The Vampire Killer. Incorporated. No, wait. Scratch the incorporated.

Muffy, (stopping a stranger in the halls)

-Excuse me, have you seen my pants? Aren’t they great? You WILL marvel at my pants! Hey, you over there (pointing to a rather stunned young man), look at my pants! Look at my paaaaaannnnts!! They’re leather! I love my pants...

After informing everyone of her obsession with her pants, Muffy heads out of school, towards downtown. Since no one knows how far downtown is from the university and she obviously doesn’t drive, we’ll just keep it simple and say she transported herself there in her magic transporter device, that she uses a lot.

She is going to meet her friends at Lynch’s magic shop. Since they always seem to be there anyways, even though they either have steady jobs or go to college, they’re always there.... weird. And don’t these people ever wear a shirt more than once? What? Do they throw ‘em out after each day? And how are they paying for college? A-ny-ways, I digress. Again.

At the Magic Tupperware, Offya is at the cash register, looking very happy to see lots of 10 and 20 dollar bills. A few customers are in line to purchase various magical items.

Offya

-Hello paying customers. Give me your money, then go away. Why hello sir. Thank you for shopping at the Magic Tupperware. That will be 9.95$ for the lizard’s tail and magic 8 ball. Excuse me sir, but this 10$ bill you gave me. It’s discoloured, and therefore defective. Why is it purple?

Customer

-Yeah, well, it’s the only money I’ve got on me lady. It’s Canadian.

Offya, with a look of total shock on her face

-What?! Canadian? Have you been the recent recipient of head trauma? You expect me to give you your purchase in exchange for Canadian money? God, what kind of barbarian are you?

As Offya rambles on, the poor customer watches her pull out a lighter and set fire to the 10$ that he so misguidedly gave her.

Offya

-This is worthless paper! Look, even the flame that it gives off is clearly anti-American! Hey! Where are you going? Come back here, so I can humiliate you further!

Offya turns to the rest of the customers in line, who are desperately trying to avoid eye contact.

Offya

-Would anybody else like to pay in non-American savage currency?

Just as the customer runs out the door, Muffy comes in the shop. Lynch stepping out from behind a bookshelf comes to greet her.

Lynch

-Ah. Good. Muffy, you’re here. I have some rather alarming news. I will now take off my glasses and clean them, so I can appear very grave and serious while I tell you why I called you here. I’m afraid there is a very bad situation. But first, isn’t it amazing how I managed to keep my British accent, even after living in California for more than 5 years!

Muffy

-Yeah, I’ve wondered about that. That and why you get knocked out. A lot.

Lynch

-Well, everyone’s here, researching this particular, um, problem.

Muffy

-Why you always get knocked out?

Lynch

-No, but thank you for reminding me of my rather less than perfect fighting skills. Again. They’re all here, because there seems to be something rather peculiar happening in Overcastdale these days.

As they walk towards where Jeff, Maple, and Esuoma are sitting looking at old books, Lynch explains why he called her.

Lynch

-There seems to be an alarming number of drunken people showing up in Overcastdale, and not just the professors anymore.

Lynch and Muffy sit down at the table.

Maple

-It’s like they’re permanently drunk. They just don’t seem to sober up.

Jeff

-Well, whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, right Muffster?

Esuoma

-We’ll hit research mode, I mean there’s got to be something written about this. I mean we always find just what we need in these old books, usually in the nick of time too.

Lynch closes the book that he was looking through.

Lynch

-There doesn’t seem to be any prophecy written about this whole situation.

He holds up the book that he just finished reading. It’s thick, bright yellow, and the cover reads “Prophecies for Dummies”.

Muffy

-Well I’ll go on patrol tonight, see if I learn anything. But right now, I have to go pick up Dusk at school.

So Muffy leaves the Magic Tupperware, and goes to pick up Dusk, presumably in her magic teleporter. Later that night she prepares to go patrolling. She grabs her stakes, makes sure she has a confortable pair of shoes on, and memorizes a few jokes from “Puns for slaying vampires, revised edition”.

Part 7

“There’s always got to be a mime.”

At the cemetary Muffy walks between some tombstones, the one we can see reads “Lesson learned by Thomas Spence, to never pee on an electric fence.”

So Muffy walks around awhile, looking actually quite bored. Suddenly she stops, something is behind her. She senses this, gets her stake ready, and turns quickly around to face a freshly vamped... mime. He’s dressed in black jeans, a striped black and white shirt, a scarf tied around his neck and a black beret. He even has the white gloves on.

Muffy, trying very hard not to laugh

-Wow. This is a new one. Hey, when you woke up inside your coffin, you know, you were actually stuck inside a box. You know, that’s irony for ya.

The mime lunges at Muffy. She quickly jumps out of the way to avoid him and hits him in the back in the process. The mime gets knocked down. Muffy quickly advances on him, ready to put a stake through his heart, but the mime, kicks her away and is quickly on his feet again.

Mime

-So, you’re the Slayer! Grrr!

Muffy

-Hey! You can’t do that! You’re not supposed to talk! I mean, you gotta be breaking some sort of mime code, pretty soon you’ll have the mime mafia driving by and shooting at you, for breaking the code of silence.

Muffy suddenly stops. Stands very still, with a very confused look on her face.

Muffy

-Um... What are you doing?

The mime is walking towards her. But at the same time, he’s doing the imaginary rope routine, you know, the one where he advances with the help of, well, an invisible rope.

Muffy

-Ok, that’s just irritating. Hey I have a mime request! Imitate a big pile of dust!

Poor mime. Staked in the middle of his rope routine.

Muffy

-A mime vampire... this is getting weirder all the time, what next; a vampire Elvis impersonater?

So our vampire staker continues walking in the cemetary. As she walks by a mausoleum, someone steps out from around the corner. He’s dressed in black; black jeans, black t-shirt, black leather duster. He’s quite tall and has bleached hair. He sees Muffy, stops, pulls a cigarette out and lights it.

Muffy

-Great. Spear. All I need now is for Katie Holmes to show up, and this will officially be the most annoying night ever.

Spear

-Normally, I wouldn’t congratulate you Slayer, on dusting my kind. But that mime, well he was just bloody annoying.

Muffy (rolling her eyes)

-Glad I could help. You know, it’s a wonder I haven’t killed you yet. What am I waiting for? For you to fall in love with me?

Spear

-Please, you threaten me every time, but you know you won’t poof me, now that Spear’s all neuteured, thanx to this sodding chip in my head. Can’t harm humans no more.

Just then a civilian young woman walks by, taking a midnight stroll through the cemetary. She looks kinda dazed. As she walks past Spear, he hits her upside the head. As he finishes smacking her, he crouches down in pain with his hands on his ears, as a loud music seems to be coming from, well, him.

“Every little thing I doooooooooooo!!! Never seems enough for youuuuuuuuuu!!!”

Spear

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Bloody hell! See what I mean!

Muffy

-Great demo Spear.

The music stops as the young lady stops walking. Muffy approaches her slowly, but she takes a few steps backwards as Muffy approaches. She seems to have trouble with her balance and stumbles.

Young Lady (for simplicity, we’ll call her Gen), talking with slurred speech

-You don’t know me, maaaaan.

Muffy

-Are you drunk?

Gen gets up, after a few tries, and approaches Muffy, pointing at her.

Gen

-I can stop anytime I want!

Spear

-This isn’t the first drunk I’ve seen these past few days, seems to be a lot of them around here, midterms maybe?

Gen approaches Spear and looks him straight in the eyes, and suddenly flings her arms around him.

Gen

-I love you maaaan!

Spear

-Hey! Get off!

Gen stops hugging Spear, and walks away, with her arms outstreched

-Duuuddddddee... Whoooo!!! I’m a plane, baby!

Part 8

“What? Do I have to come up with a title for every part? Make up your own damn title!”

Meanwhile, back at the Winters’ home, Jeff and Offya are there babysitting Dusk. The girl’s 14 years old, and she has to have a babysitter? Man, and then they’re gonna wonder why she sneaks out and steals earrings and stuff... Allo! So anyway, they’re in the living room playing Clue. Offya is poking Jeff on the arm.

Offya

-Come on. You know you want to.

Jeff

-Offya, there isn’t any money involved in this game. So stop asking us to pay you to reveal your cards!

Offya

-Come on, I know you want to make sure I don’t have Colonel Mustard. For 20$ I’ll show you two cards. And plus, I’ll have you know, bribery; it is the American way. That blue eagle on tv keeps saying so.

Jeff

-Stop quoting Sam the Eagle. Besides, you know that Fozzy’s the best, I mean, no matter how many times Waldorf and Statler heckle him, he keeps coming back! See that’s a role model for ya.

Dusk

-Guys please! Your acting like children, besides, the best muppet is clearly Lew Zealand!

Dusk, taking a weird accent

-I throw thee feesh avay... and eet comes bak to mee!

Jeff

-No way! He’s barely even around!

Dusk

-Maybe we should stop arguing over muppets.

Before their muppet argument got any worse, they all agreed to stop with this childish fight. Besides, they’re all wrong, Gonzo was the best. Was too! And don’t even get me started on Miss Piggy, come on, that obsessed over a frog with pingpong balls for eyes? Seriously...

So they continue their game of Clue. Turns out it was Mr Green in the study with the orange starburst (they were missing a few pieces, and plus it takes care of my sponsership plug).

Suddenly they hear a loud noise in the backyard.

Dusk

-Did anyone else hear that?

Jeff

-Stay here Dusk, I’m going to check it out.

Jeff gets a baseball bat from wherever, I mean, this is the slayer’s house, I’m guessing there’s pretty much a wepon everywhere, cabinets, drawers, the fridge, heck, I’d even keep one in the bathroom. So anyway, Jeff goes outside to see if there’s anything lurking around. He comes face to face with a vampire who’s carrying a crowbar and wearing a “I love Tanya Harding” t-shirt. The vamp lunges on him, but before he can hurt Jeff, he’s turned into a fine powder. Muffy appears behind the cloud of dust.

Jeff

-Oh, hey Muffy. Back from patrolling, find anything?

Muffy

-Well, I found a quarter, see, it’s all shiny! Oh, you mean for the drunk problem? No, well, actually I just found another drunk.

Jeff

-Well, we’ll meet up tomorrow. Off and I are gonna go.

Muffy

-You’re leaving with bug repellent? Oh, yeah you’re girlfriend. Okay, we’ll thanx for looking after Dusk, I’ll see ya tomorrow.

In Maple’s dorm room, wich is pretty big, I mean remember that one in Hush? You know the dead student’s one; pretty crappy. But I guess when you’re able to develop the power to shoot lightning out of your hands, one of the perks is you get the best dorm rooms. So Maple and Esuoma are there, talking.

-I wonder if Muffy found anything while patrolling. I hope we solve this fast. I like my town big bad free.

-It’s weird though, I mean, whatever’s causing this is really bad, to make you go crazy-drunk. At least vampires just kill you. Crap. I just jinxed myself didn’t I?

Maple goes over to Mr. Gerbil Extraodinaire’s (Mr G.E.) cage and feeds him. I personnally don’t know what gerbils eat, but I really hope for Mr G.E.’s sake that Maple does. You remember that goldfish that we all had as kids that died as a result of us feeding him soda? Maybe that was just me then… but anyway, let’s hope that’s not the fate that awaits Mr. G.E. As Maple feeds their pet, Esuoma looks on.

-Honey, I got my schedule for next semester, it’s pretty good. How about you, did you get your schedule?

-Yeah, I only have 6 classes; Neurology, Political Hierarchy In The World of Otters, African Tribal Music Appreciation, Translating Latin And Other Dead Languages, Auto Mechanics, and Caring For Horses; How To Pick A Good Shovel.

-Well I hope it’ll be a good semester. Without things getting crazy during finals. Crap. I jinxed myself again didn’t I?

Maple

“Hey, I’m being chased, so I’ll just go into this empty alley. I’ll be safe there.”

The next night, Muffy is out patrolling again. Walking around in the cemetary, in between the tombstones. The one we can see reads; “Poor Jonathan Verse, Didn’t put the mower on forward, but reverse”.

She suddenly sees something up ahead, near a street. It seems to be a man running fast. She decides to follow him discreetly. He looks hurt, trying to run as best as he can without stumbling. The man frequently looks over his shoulder, as if he’s running from someone. Or something! No, actually it was someone. I can’t imagine him running away from a “something” like a blender or a giant pastry. “Help! The danish are coming! The danish are coming!”

Ok, so where was I? Yeah, she follows him as he goes inside a giant warehouse. I guess it’s slightly smarter than running into an empty alley, but not by that much.

Muffy follows the man inside and somehow makes her way into a giant room. Kinda dark, old looking, empty, you know what it looks like. She spots the man, and notices his face is a little bloodied. He sees her.

As she speaks, she gets hit and goes flying backwards. As she regains her bearings, Muffy sees a lady standing where Muffy was just a few seconds ago. Yup, it’s Bory. Surprised you there didn’t I? She eyes Muffy with a smirk. Not a small blue cartoon character; I said a smirk, not a smurf.

-Who the hell are you? Don’t think you can interfere with my little conversation with Matthieu here!

-You know, I really hate being hit without a proper introduction! I’m Muffy, and you’re pissing me off!

Bory grabs Muffy and throws her into a wall. While Muffy slowly gets back up, Bory turns to Matthieu

-We’re in the United States here, so speak American! And I do think I will get it! If I have to tear the innards out of every freak around here, I will get it!

Muffy gets up, grabs a pipe that was on the ground, comes up behind Bory and wacks her a good one. Bory goes down. Muffy sees her chance to escape, grabs Matthieu and jumps out the window. Well, jumps out is an exageration. They were on the first floor and the window was open, so technically she steps out.

Bory gets up, is so frustrated that she punches a beam and the whole place collapses. Go figure.

Outside Matthieu has trouble walking, so he leans on a fence and sits. Muffy tries to make him get up.

Okay, so this part is where he explains to her who Dusk actually is and why Bory is there. Since you already know all that, and you probably don’t want to hear it all over again, let me entertain you while he explains everything to Muffy. Um, ok, here’s a joke; What’s green and sings? Give up? It’s Elvis Parsley! Get it? Get it?!

Nope, they’re not done yet. Um, ok, here’s something for you to ponder about; is the plural of doofus, doofi? You know, like fungus, fungi. I’ve lost sleep over that one. So let’s check back on Muffy and Matthieu. I think their conversation is pretty much done.

But it’s too late. Matthieu is gone. Fortunately, he explained everything to Muffy. Muffy gets up, with a shocked look.

Part 11

“Go ahead Muffy. Talk louder. She won’t hear you.”

The next day, at the Winters’ home, the family is sitting down having a peaceful supper. Well not really, because if you have siblings, supper is never peaceful. Believe me, I know. So they’re all sitting down, eating poutine. Okay, so they probably weren’t eating poutine, but it’s my story, and if I say they were having a traditionnal French-Canadian dish, then dammit they were. Allright, fine. They were eating meatloaf. There. Happy now?

-It is so! Stop borrowing my shirts! And don’t even think about borrowing my leather pants.

-Are you insulting my leather pants? Think carefully. I really don’t think you wanna do that.

Dusk

-We’re gonna meet here. It’s probably more convenient for everyone to meet at Jeff’s or at the Magic Tupperware. But it’s gotta be here. Just because. No reason.

Dusk

-Oh come on! Why do you always have to exclude me! I never get to do anything fun!

After supper, Muffy’s friends start arriving. Soon, they’re all there. The whole Sailor Scout Gang. Jeff, Offya, Lynch, Esuoma, and Maple. They install themselves in the living room.

-My god, is there a duck here? Did it kill someone? Because you know, they’re capable of doing that. The ducks.

-Off, honey, I don’t think we all came here tonight because there’s a giant duck somewhere.

-It’s about Dusk. And also about all this crazyness that’s been happening here these past few weeks.

Jeff

-Crazyness? You mean, all these actors thinking of becoming politicians? Dusk has something to do with that?

Ok. While Muffy’s telling them, let’s think logically here for a minute. Muffy is divulging a big secret about Dusk, that Dusk probably shouldn’t hear. Dusk is in the same house. Just upstairs. You do the math.

So they talk about their situation. Hmmm, let’s find out where Dusk is. Ummm, could she possibly be standing at the top of the stairs listening to all that they’re saying? I think so!

So I guess Dusk heard pretty much everything. Or did she? Heh, just kidding, she heard everything. Panicked, and confused, she runs back into her room, and starts pacing around to try and sort things out.

-A thing? No way! I’m not a…a bottle of beer! Well, that would explain that weird birthmark on my stomach in the shape of “6.1%”.

As she paces, she becomes so panicked, that she starts crying and tears down all of her posters. Well who wouldn’t panic? Poor girl just discovered what that weird birthmark really means. Come to think of it, I’ve got a weird birthmark on my stomach… in the shape of a bat… wait a minute… Holy cheezwhiz! I’m Batgirl! Ok… maybe not.

Dusk storms out of her room, and goes downstairs in the living room where everyone is assembled. Wich is weird, because usually it’s in Taiwan where everything is assembled. Sorry.

-You know, if we’re the Sailor Scout Gang, wich one of us is Sailor Uranus? Oh, hey Duskmeister. What’s up?

Muffy sees Dusk, and notices her tearstreaked face. She quickly gets up to face her sister.

As Dusk confronts Muffy, everyone stands up awkwardly and discreetly tries to leave. Well almost everyone.

So they all depart, leaving Muffy and Dusk standing face to face. Choice comes in from the kitchen. She already knows about Dusk. How did she find out? Ummm… she just knows… uh… moving on…

-So that’s the truth huh? I don’t even exist?! I’m not a daughter, or a sister, I’m nothing!

-Calm down? How can you tell me to calm down?! Besides, you’re not even my mother.

As they enter her room, they find it empty. Obviously. She’s like the Montreal Expos’ chance of ever winning a pennant; absent. Or George Bush’s ability to pronounce a European capital; not there. Or Mariah Carey’s dignity; gone. Well, you get the point.

In the dark Overcastdale streets, Dusk wanders around. She walks pass an ice cream parlor, a funeral parlor, a 7-11, another funeral parlor, a Radioshack, another funeral parlor. Notice a trend here? After crossing a few blocks, still not really knowing where she’s heading, she stops in her steps, afraid to turn around. She slowly does a 180, and faces an old man, in a Police uniform. He’s staring intently at Dusk, and takes a few steps toward her.

-I don’t have a problem, I can stop anytime I want! You know that right? You do believe me don’t you?

He lunges at Dusk, who starts to scream. A really, really, really high pitch scream. Dusk falls with the weight of the old man atop her, but suddenly he’s pulled off of her. Dusk looks at the scene, and sees Spear throw the drunk away. Of course that sets off his chip.

-Touch the kid again, and you’ll get a whole lot more than a sodding hangover.

The old man runs away, or tries to. Have you ever tried to run drunk? It ain’t easy.

The chip stops playing the music, and Spear comes over to Dusk to help her get up.

-Mind telling me what a bit like you is doing out here with all these nasties lurking?

-No, if I’d arrived a few minutes later than I did, then technically you wouldn’t be here.

-I’m only about 6 months old. A bottle of beer. Apparently Bory wants to kill me, she’s the one who’s turning everybody here into Ted Kennedy. It’s all my fault.

-Rot. It doesn’t matter much what you bloody were. It’s more about the present than anything else. What you do in the now. And as for this Bory chippie, big sister will take care of her.

Dusk

-Don’t you think you should wash those clothes? I mean it has been awhile Spear.

Spear

-Yeah, you know; Ernest goes to Camp, Ernest gets Scared, Ernest saves Christmas. The classics. He always has the same clothes on too.

Muffy, running up to her

-Dusk! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you everywhere, Mom’s been so worried.

-Dusk listen, it doesn’t matter how you got here. You’re my sister. I love you.

-We’ll stop this. Don’t worry. Now let’s go home. Spear? What are you doing here?

-Hmph. Whatever, I’ll be heading back to my crypt. Angry Beavers are on in 15.

Part 14

Maple’s dorm room. Esuoma is sitting on the bed reading a book; “How To Get Your Name In The Opening Credits”, while Maple is sorting through her clothes.

-Poor her. I mean, to find out that you were never really born. That you just kind of popped up here.

-Yeah, well I think that we all need a break. I asked if she and Dusk wanted to come to the hockey game with us tonight, but she said they’ll just stay in.

Esuoma

-This isn’t about the shirt is it? It’s about all the other changes in my life!

-That’s it. I’m storming out. This is clearly my room, but I’m still storming out.

Maple, well, storms out. Esuoma just stands there, not quite sure what the hell just happened. Like the rest of us.

Esuoma

-Ok. Well I could go sulk in my room, like a normal person would. But I think I’ll still go to that hockey game, so I can feel even lonelier. And later on, Maple can resent the fact that I still went without her. Sounds like a plan.

Inside a lavishly decorated apartment, sitting in a sofa, looking at her shoe, is none other than Bory. Around her are 4 short men with hardhats on. The hardhats have little flashlight on the front.

Bory

-Stupid “Everything You Need To Be An Effective Villain” magasine. I order 4 minions, and they send me 4 miners. I guess it’ll have to do. Okay, listen up! I want you to watch that annoying Muffy and her friends. The Beer is one of them. I know it. Find out who is the newcomer. Report back to me at the end of the day. Go!

A few hours later the minions come back, looking quite happy with themselves. They all gather around Bory, who is now staring at her other shoe. They inform her of their findings.

-Excellent! Hihi! This was easier than expected. I’m going to collect the bottle! And destroy it!

At the Overcastdale hockey arena, the crowd is filing in. Yes, there’s an arena in Overcastdale. I mean along with the 20 million cemetaries, the hospital, the schools, the university, an abandonned military complex and a huge castle, there is now a hockey arena. And still only one Starbucks. Yup, a one Starbucks town, this is.

Esuoma is sitting in her seat, while there remains an empty chair next to her. The hockey game starts. Quickly the first period is over. 2-1 for the home team, but I guess the score is unimportant at this point. After going to get a cup of beer, Esuoma returns to her seat. Somebody sits down next to Esuoma. Hmm, guess who.

-Hi there. I don’t think you should scream. I’d kill you here and now, along with pretty much everyone around.

-You lied to me! You little tramp! The Bottle doesn’t drink American brew! You’re not the Bottle!

-No matter. You can still help me. Tell me who the bottle is, and I’ll let you keep your sanity, um, soberness. Well you know what I mean! I know you know who it is!

Esuoma

But Esuoma just looks at her, prepared to say nothing. Bory shrugs and in a flash of light brain-drunks Esuoma. People around her are of course oblivious to what’s going on, since background people in this town seem to be incredibly non perceptive.

At the hospital, everyone is gathered around Esuoma who’s sitting on a bed, just staring at a wall, giggling by herself.

Maple

-Don’t worry it’s not your fault Dusk. It’s Bory’s, and kinda Esuoma’s for still going to that hockey game.

-Maple’s quite right, in no way are you to blame for Esuoma’s um, condition.

-I hate this. Just waiting here for her to strike again, we’ve got to go Sargeant Rock on her.

-Okay, how about this; Jeff, Offya, Lynch; you find out what you can about Bory; vulnerabilities, weaknesses, anything. Maple, Dusk, and I are going to go back with Esuoma to her dorm room. Bory will never find us there. We’ll meet up in a few hours.

So they each head off in their separate direction. Jeff, Offya and Lynch gather and The Magic Tupperware.

-I’m going to go check in the old forbidden books that you keep around, Lynch. Where are they?

Lynch points to a sign that reads: “Forbidden, Black Magic, and Dangerous books, this way” It has a little hand that points to the back of the shop. Jeff follows the sign, sees where the books are; that little second story thing Lynch has got going on at the end of the shop. As Jeff arrives near the staircase, he passes the “You’re almost there” sign, and climbs up the staircase and starts pulling out random books to look through. Lynch searches through some dusty books in the bookshelf while Offya sits at the table and stares in the direction of the cash register.

-Offya, Muffy needs our help for researching, I suggest you start looking though books and such.

-While we were gone, you know, the cash register could have magically filled itself with 100 dollar bills. I better go check.

Meanwhile at Esuoma’s dorm room, Dusk, Muffy and Maple are sitting around Esuoma.

-They gave me some pretty strong meds to keep her calm, that should help. But I’m determined to take care of her. Even if this lasts forever. Wow, forever’s is seeming a long time right now.

-We’re going to figure this out. I’ve been saying that since the beginning of this stupid story, you know. Anyway, for now we’re perfectly safe here, no way Bory would know where to find us. Here, let’s just eat these weird sandwiches that I’ve brought. Okay, whose is this one; Bologna, Bacon and Jelly.

Just as Muffy was handing out that really gross sandwich to Dusk, a rumble is heard, and suddenly the whole side wall of Esuoma’s dorm room is ripped off. In the gap is standing; The Tick! No, not really, it’s Bory.

-Um, why are you just noticing now that I’m the Bottle? I’ve been around you all day!

Bory starts to smile, finding out who the actual bottle is. Muffy sees that they’re in danger, grabs Dusk and starts to run like hell. She crosses the university halls and hangout areas with Bory crashing through walls chasing her.

Muffy runs through the streets of Overcastdale with Bory just behind her. Muffy outruns her when Bory is distracted by a leather jacket in a window at the Gap. Only for awhile though, Bory catches up to Muffy, and stops her.

Muffy looks in the direction that Bory pointed. Bory sees her chance, grabs Dusk and runs away snickering. Muffy turns back, sees that her sister has been taken, and goes into a coma. Heh, no way, I’m not writing the coma in this story, so, tough. Muffy panicked, runs to the Magic Tupperware.

Part 18

After sundown at the Magic Tupperware, the whole gang is reunited. Trying to figure out what to do. The door opens, and Spear comes waltzing in. He wasn’t actually dancing in, just a figure of speech.

-Well, I think I could be a help in fighting this Bory person. I’m quite bored actually, and I want to help.

-You can help. Guys, he can be an asset to us, he’s strong enough to help us rescue Dusk.

-33 bottles of beer on the wall, 33 bottles of beeeeeer, take one down, pass it around…

-Yes. Bory wants the Bottle of Beer to destroy it, but can only do it at midnight tonight. She is quite strong, but the only way to defeat her is well, actually you can kill her pretty much any way; she’s not invincible, just remarkably strong and quick.

Muffy

-Um, why don’t you lackbrains listen to drunkey over here. She could lead us right to Bory.

-Okay guys, if Bory destroys Dusk, not only will I be very upset, it’ll cause the apocalypse. So gather weapons, we leave in a couple of hours.

During that time, they gather weapons, and possibly a lookalike Muffyrobot. Wait no, that’s not in this story. Um, if it makes you feel better you can think that they were wishing they had a Muffybot with them. There. Hehe, Muffybot.

On the other side of town from the Magic Tupperware, Bory brings Dusk to where all the drunken-crazy people have constructed a giant bottle opener. Hehe, bottle opener.

-Oh sweetie, sweetie. Big sister’s not coming, and if she is, well, she’s no match for me. You just sit in that corner over there while I consult my miners, um, minions, about the final preparations.

Dusk

Dusk goes to sit in a corner, she actually doesn’t seem to be that terrified. Maybe it has something to do with her actually being alcohol.

Back at the Magic Tupperware, the time has almost come to leave. Muffy is talking with Maple.

So Esuoma heads out of the shop, with everybody following closely behind. She leads them to the giant bottle opener site.

They all enter the construction site. Attack the drunk people, yada yada yada. Bory sees Esuoma wandering around.

Maple comes up behind Bory and taps her on the shoulder. Bory turns around as Maple shoots blue light from her hands at Bory, wich is redirected from Bory onto Esuoma, in the form of a brown light. They all go flying backwards, because that’s what happens when you use a powerful spell. You go flying backwards. Apparently.

Maple then goes running to Esuoma, who’s allright now. You see the brown light that was redirected from Bory onto Esuoma was really strong caffeine substitute. Coffee light! Hehehe, get it? You know, when you’re drunk, um, coffee will, uh… Ok ok ok, not the most original spell. But hey, it worked, so there.

Meanwhile, Spear sees that at the top of the giant tower, Dusk is tied up. He goes running past a few drunk people, and goes up to rescue Dusk. Ah, brave little Spear. He reaches the top and sees Dusk, who is being tied there by a minion.

What is it with these people and Freddie Prinze Jr? As Spear turns around, the minion pushes him off the top. But Spear grabs the minion and brings him with him. Spear survives the fall (if he didn’t I’d probably get hate e-mails), but the minion doesn’t. Squished minion. Mmmmm.

They exchange punches a while, and finally Muffy pushes her to where there’s a giant X painted on the ground.

A giant anvil is dropped by Jeff. Ok, it’s lame, but hey, again, it works. Bory gets squished, actually if this were a cartoon, she’d be a giant accordeon now, hehehe. But it’s not a cartoon, so Bory is pretty much screwed. Besides, it’s about time this story ended.

Muffy rushes up to where her sister is tied. She unties Dusk, and uh oh! Muffy sneezes and loses her balance!

Everybody gathers around Muffy, and looks on in horror. Muffy slowly gets back up.

So everything’s back to normal. Well, whatever you call normal in this town. Evil will take a convenient 3 month vacation and return in October, around the 2^nd I think. Funny how things work out.

THE END!

Think you did? How about Esuoma? Spell Esuoma backwards, and then spell Tara backwards. Hey, I thought it was clever!